


Proverbs 17:17

by TheGreenMeridian



Series: Testaments [1]
Category: The Terror (TV 2018), The Terror - Dan Simmons
Genre: Christianity, Crisis of Faith, Don’t copy to another site, Gen, Internalised Homophobia, M/M, Preslash if you squint, Religion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-18
Updated: 2019-11-18
Packaged: 2021-02-12 17:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21480454
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreenMeridian/pseuds/TheGreenMeridian
Summary: A friend loveth at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.Part of Terror Bingo
Relationships: Lt John Irving & Thomas Jopson
Series: Testaments [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2154312
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29
Collections: The Terror Bingo (2019)





	Proverbs 17:17

**Author's Note:**

> My second fill for Terror Bingo, for the square ‘religion’.
> 
> I was raised agnostic so apologies if I have misused any bible quotes here.

It’s soft when he hears it, barely audible over the wind and the sounds of men sleeping. A steady murmur that most would not recognise for what it was. Thomas Jopson, however, has had a lifetime of needing to be alert to the potential needs of others and immediately finds his ears tuning themselves to it, the words almost discernible if he focuses on it deliberately. He knows instinctively that there is no danger to be had, and he slips from the tent with little thought. A figure sits by the boat with his head on his arms where they rest on his bent knees. It’s hard to make out who it is until Thomas draws close enough to hear what’s being said, and it’s the content more than the voice that lets him know the identity of the man.

“Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isiah, 41:10.” The man takes a shaky breath before starting a new verse. “But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after that ye have suffered a while, make you perfect, stablish, strengthen, settle you. 1 Peter, 5:10.”

Thomas makes an effort to drag his feet as he steps slowly closer so that the crunch of shale alerts John to his presence. He sits beside him, and hesitantly places a hand between John’s hunched shoulders. 

John pauses for a moment, then begins again. “For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory which shall be revealed in us.”

“Romans, 8:18,” Thomas finishes for him. “A lovely verse. I read Romans 8 to my mum when she was ill. I hoped it would give her strength.”

John raises his head and looks out across the shale. “And did it?”

“Perhaps. I’m not sure she heard me, but I hope it got through to her all the same. I think I read it as much for my benefit as I did hers.”

“I’d hoped that reciting a few verses about perseverance in the face of hardship would give me strength.”

They sit in silence for a while, and Thomas notes the redness around John’s eyes and the continued shake in his breath. It is a while before he speaks again.

“I want to believe that the Lord is with us out here, Tom. I had believed it on the boats, even after Carnivale.” There is a pause, John’s hands flex into fists a few times, and his voice falls to a shamed whisper. “I can’t... I can’t feel Him as I used to.”

As though tending to his young brother after a nightmare, Jopson begins stroking John’s back in slow, soothing motions. “He knows you love Him. Even John the Baptist experienced doubt, and Christ forgave him, as He’ll forgive you.”

“I’m afraid, Tom. I want to believe that He’ll see us to safety but after all we’ve been through, it feels as though we’re being punished.”

Thomas has had the same thoughts. He thinks of it every time he tastes blood in his mouth or feels the scar on his leg begin to ache. He thinks of it with every passing day as Fitzjames grows weaker, as Goodsir struggles to keep up with the growing sickness in the camp, as Bridgens and Collins look more and more defeated. 

“Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you,” he says instead.

“But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ's sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy. 1 Peter 4:12-13.” John finishes the verse as Thomas watches a tear trickle down his cheek. He reaches for it, brushes it away gently, and John’s eyes fall closed.

“It’s one I tell myself often, these days. You’re not alone in your crisis, John. I’ll be an ear for you, should you need it.”

John turns to face him for the first time, and Thomas finds his eyes falling to John’s hairline for signs of the sickness, thankful to see no signs of it. John’s lips are chapped from the cold, and his cheeks are rosy and making him appear young and boyish. It’s rather fetching, really, and Thomas feels the awareness of his own sins hang like a weight around his neck.

“Thank you, Tom,” John says with a small, quavering smile. “I hadn’t known you were so knowledgable of scripture.”

“I’m not, really. Not compared to you or poor Sir John. But I’ve had times where I’ve had no one else to turn to but the Lord, so I’ve learned a few verses here and there.”

“Sometimes I think He sees the sins in my heart and knows I’ll never be worthy of Him, no matter how hard I try,” John says. There’s a sorrow in his eyes that Thomas has seen reflected back at him in his mirror, and it shocks him to see it from a man as devout as John. “I worry that... that I’ve brought this upon us.”

“He sees your deeds too, John,” he says kindly. “It’s better to rise above temptation than never be tempted at all, isn’t it?”

John turns to look out across the landscape again. “Sometimes I think Hickey lives with more honesty than I.”

“Hickey is a nasty little rat who serves nobody but himself and his own desires, no matter how harmful to others those desires may be.”

“And if I have some of those same desires?” John whispers.

“You don’t want to harm anyone, John. I’ll not believe that of you.”

Another tear falls down John’s cheek, and Thomas debates with himself whether to reveal his own sins to perhaps ease John’s suffering with the knowledge that he’s not alone. There’s no good in lying, though, and to tell John that he too has sinful desires without admitting that he’s acted on them, both in the privacy of his bunk with only his imagination for company and in disreputable pubs hidden down London’s seedy alleys, would be unfair. There’s no possibility of persuading John that it’s a sin worth forgiving in oneself, that much is obvious. Nor is there a way to let the man experience his desires without sentencing him to a most severe sort of guilt. But the thought remains, however, that if he could just press his lips to John’s, if he could just show him the beauty that can be found in sharing yourself with another in such a way, that he could lighten the burden weighing on John’s soul.

“There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it,” Thomas says gently.

John is silent for a moment longer before he breathes deeply, letting the cold air fill his lungs and refresh him. “Thank you, Tom. You’re a good man. You truly don’t mind if I seek your counsel again?”

“Of course not,” he says with as warm a smile as he can manage despite the fear that future such conversations could only result in John coming learn of his deviancy. “We need to share our burdens, if we’re to carry them.”

John rises to his feet and holds out his hand for Thomas to take, pulling him to his feet and into an embrace that has Thomas’s eyes beginning to well with unshed tears. When it ends they walk side by side back to the tents, and when Thomas crawls back inside his bag and falls asleep, it’s to the terrible prayer that he outlive John rather than leave him to suffer alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: thegreenmeridian.tumblr.com


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